27.

So far 2021 and I have been off to a rock start. I still have plans and goals for the year but this is the slowest kick off to a year I think I’ve ever had. 2020 hard on us all and since the new year I’ve been feeling off. Normally I love the new year, I relish in the first few weeks and am giddy to get to my birthday. Not this year. This year it wasn’t until I really began thinking past the normal things that could be causing these feelings that I realized what was up. This is my 20th birthday without my Dad.

Let’s go back to January 2001. I turned 7. My dad had been sick for three years. This is one of my most memorable birthdays because it was my last birthday with him. My birthday party that year was at a pottery painting place, I had a few friends there, my sister, a friend of her’s and my parents. (I don’t think Jack was invited). We all painted different animals and had a blast. Mom mad cupcakes and served them on a tray she made to look like an artists pallet. This was by far one of my favorite parties. In my room I have a tile painted with each persons thumbprint on it decorated to be different colored ladybugs. Growing up, whenever I missed dad I liked to press my thumb over his. 

On my real birthday we did a family celebration, just my immediate family was there. We had dinner and cake then I was given gifts from my parents. I opened a couple things then got to the main event: a black and white plaid wrapped gift, a blue ribbon and blue tissue paper inside. At 7 I couldn’t yet read, there was a lot going on in my little life and therefor reading wasn’t high on my priority list, so when I opened the box I didn’t know what it was. I pulled out two pieces of paper with writing on them. I realized they were tickets. My family was like “okay Jordan, the wrapping is black and blue, what do you know that’s black and blue.” Then I realized I was holding two tickets to The Backstreet Boys!!!!! My amazing dad had procured these tickets for me under one condition, my mom had to take me. I was so excited about the whole thing and it was a great day.

As an adult, I am so thankful for this memory. This is the last time I got photos with my dad, this is one of the last memories I have with him.  We lost my dad just over a month after this day.

This year I have been feeling a heaviness, one that’s not always there but has reared it’s ugly head a few times times in my life. Loss is a tricky tricky thing and when it decides to drop in its hard to get moving. I hope with the passing of this birthday I can pick back up and keep on keeping on. Until this I’m going to keep showing myself grace and understanding during this time and remember it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.

This is going to be a big year for us all. A year with new challenges and new accomplishments. I am optimistic it’s going to be a year for growth. I have big ideas that may take me a minute to put into action but once they are I know things will be exciting. Thanks for stopping by and giving this a read. Here’s to my 27th year.